Today started out great… which should have been my first warning.
Both kids woke up happy. Everyone ate their breakfast without complaining. There was zero fighting before my 2nd grader hopped on the bus. Things were looking good for this Friday.
I decided to venture out into the world with the 4 year old in tow. Running a few errands before the busy weekend shopping crowd seemed like a smart decision. Where to?! None other than the lovely Bed, Bath, & Beyond.
Why did I press my luck?!
I’m not gonna lie, shopping for new bed sheets at Bed Bath & Beyond with the son is NOT high on my list of fun. I was secretly dreading it since it’s more of a chore than a fun experience.
What was about to unfold however, I could not have imagined.
In the bedding aisle, the son started feeling all the sample sheets they have hanging by the bedding sets. Turns out he has an affinity for jersey knit. All of the sudden, he decided he HAD to have a set for his bed. Not only were they not on my list of what to buy, but the way he demanded them shut down any hope he had of me buying him a set.
I refuse to negotiate with demanding, entitled, whiney children.
He knows this. He should have known I would stand my ground.
He dug his heels in and threw the biggest tantrum I have yet to live through in a public place. I’m talking full body movements, ear curdling screams, and even random threats falling out of his (no longer cute) mouth.
I had a choice: I could give into this tiny dictator to stop the embarrassment, or I could stand my ground and not care about the nasty looks I was receiving from the other shoppers. (Side note: when has that ever been okay?! Are you really telling me the older lady glaring at me to shut my child up doesn’t have children or has never been around children?! Luckily (for her) I’m evolved and didn’t feel the need to give her a piece of my mind about her rude judgement.)
I chose to teach my son a lesson; I’m not a mom who is going to let you control me.
Not at home, not in public. I’m in charge. It took every ounce of me to not lose my mind on him and the surrounding “judgy judgersons.”
About 5 minutes into his fit (which felt like hours), I got down on my knees, told him we don’t act like this. He is getting nothing due to his attitude and theatrics. We were buying my sheets and leaving.
No, this didn’t stop his screaming and thrashing, but it did give me a small reason to be proud of myself. I marched him through the store during his loud protest. I made sure to make eye contact with everyone we passed, and made sure to keep a half smile on my face. (Stay strong, don’t cower, was the mantra running through my head.)
Right before we got to the checkout, a lady looked at me and told me that she was sure I was having a bad day. Really?!? Thanks for letting me know. I suddenly became determined to not let this moment ruin my entire day. Rude, rude, rude,
The girl at the checkout was clearly happy to apply all my coupons and push us along. I told her she was welcome for the dose of birth control, which did make her smile. The other girl working walked around the counter on my way out to tell me that she gets it; and that she has been in this situation many times with her three kids. This girl saved humanity in my mind today.
So…. after all of that the son kept it up through the parking lot.
He punched the car, became a limp noodle when I tried to get him into his car seat, and even broke his coveted sunglasses and then launched them at my head. Guess what?!? I didn’t lose my cool. Maybe it was the Chai Tea Latte I had running through my veins (thank goodness I stopped at Starbucks on the way to the store), or maybe it was my stubbornness of not letting this ruin my Friday.
All I know is when I started the car and the Bebe Rexha song “I’m a Mess” was on singing, “Everything’s gonna be alright, everything’s gonna be Ok. It’s gonna be a good good life; that’s what my therapist says,” that everything would eventually work out.
If you’re reading this and you’re having a day, or a week, or heck, even what feels like an eternity of frustrating parenting moments; just know that you have a long line of people right there in the trenches with you.
Being closer to 40 now than 30, I’m realizing it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks or says. I need to do what’s best for me and my family. I’ll let the judgers judge and I’ll be feeling just fine in my caffeinated bubble.
How about not making the rest of us “suffer” through his temper tantrum.
Yes, I raised 2 children and if they ever started acting up in public I removed them from whereever we were and took them to the car or even better home.
I also did not give into their antics BUT I also did not feel it was fair to innocent bystanders to have to listen to their screaming, crying, etc …
I took responsibility for my children’s behavior in public by not subjecting others to my children’s meltdowns.
Hi Deb,
Thank you for your opinion and for following along with my blog. I see things a bit differently and do agree with some of what you said. I know if I would have 1) bought him what he wanted just to quiet him down, that it would have set a terrible precedent that he can throw fits to get what he wants. I also know that 2) if I would have just walked out that it also would have taught him that he is in control. I needed to get what I came for and if I would have let him dictate when we leave because of a tantrum that this would become an ungly trend. Did I enjoy making other shoppers hear his fit?! Absolutely not. Did I also know that we weren’t hurting anyone, yes. No, it was not an ideal situation and yes I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide, but I had to do what was right for me and my kid. He got in trouble, he learned a lesson, and from all of this I learned one too. I learned that you don’t know someone’s story or anything about their situation. I also learned not to judge someone and to remember to have compassion. I do hope reading this opens your eyes to maybe giving sympathy to other moms and not judging them. Thank you for reading and for opening the dialogue on the situation. My son hasn’t thrown a fit like this since so I consider it a win for me.
Yes, yes, yes to the poster above. I don’t understand how allowing your kid to scream in a public place is teaching a life lesson.
Thanks for your reply. I don’t think letting my kid scream in public taught him a lesson; I feel my reaction to him did. He learned he doesn’t get to control the situation, and that I have the final say. Sometimes it’s a toss up between “fitting in” or being in the moment and getting things done the right way for you. I hope you are never in a situation where you seek empathy from others and don’t receive it; trust me, it’s not fun.
I have recently found your blog and truly enjoy reading it. However, I am truly sorry to have to comment once again on a child throwing a screaming all-out temper tantrum in a store and the parent just standing there “waiting it out”.
On this issue I strongly disagree with your approach to allowing your child to throw a tantrum in public because this is beyond my comprehension as to why you think it is okay for me or other patrons to have to endure such. I certainly did not come out to have my day ruined by yet another parent who thinks I shouldn’t mind a screaming and temper-tantrum child.
And yes, if I happen to be in a store with such a scene and I pass by I will look at you but not in the “judging” or the “peer pressure” way you think.
Fenced In Momma you had a post on your blog from 6 Feb 2017 titled, “How to Survive a Toddler Tantrum in Public” to which I commented on and am now restating what I stated then.
I agree with you on a couple of your statements from your post. You stated, … “ it’s a reflection of a toddler and how they have to learn what is acceptable in society” … and … “You’re not born with this knowledge; and sadly it’s our job as parents to teach this hard lesson. …”
Most of us can tell when a child is about to take the turn for the worst and about to have a tantrum. When a child is allowed to throw a temper tantrum in public, the child is in control of the situation – not the parent. We have relinquished our responsibility as the “level headed adult” of this small human to take the situation over. Letting them throw a tantrum does not teach them their behavior isn’t acceptable but rather it is okay to have a tantrum in public.
Yes, I raised 2 children and now 4 grandchildren and NONE of them have ever been allowed to act as such in public. And no, they are not saints – normal children who occassionally decide to try their hand at a trantrum.
But, if I could see a tantrum (or even excessive whineyness, etc …) was about to happen then I felt it was my responsibility as an adult and their parent or their grandparent NOT to subject innocent bystanders with my childs actions (this includes my grandchildren).
Why should innocent shoppers or people dining out have to be tortured from an enjoyable time because I have a child who is out of control. If I let that child have his tantrum and wait it out then I am being irresponsible to others around me. They did not come out to do their shopping or dining to have to put up with this (and maybe that is why you get some of those looks).
Why should others have to be punished because your child has a meltdown ?
When I chose to take my children in public, that was “my choice”. And so, I must also assume responsibility for all their actions in public. Which may mean that if they start to throw a tantrum then I, as the adult needs to handle as such.
Many times I left shopping baskets full of groceries at the service counter, excusing myself and child from the business to take the child out from innocent bystanders. Yes, this was an inconvenience as I had to return at a later time to do the shopping all over again – but again, it was my choice to take a child into the store which meant it was my responsibility to see that my child did not ruin the shopping of others.
As far as dining – again, it was my choice to take my child to the restaurant. Again my responsibility not to let my child ruin someone elses dinner. I spent many an evening with a child in the car while they had their tantrum.
My children and grandchildren learned such behavior is NOT acceptable in public. They learned that is not how to handle your disappointments or your emotions and that acting in such manner would get them removed and possibly not taken the next time on a shopping or dining trip.
Letting a child have a tantrum in public does not teach them to act accordingly. If a teenager or an adult acted as such in a store we would be appauled (even you). More than likely the police would be called and the person removed from the store as to not affect the other shoppers or diners. But for some reason, many parents think it is okay to let their child have their tantrum and the rest of us should also be okay with that.
Before you say, a teenager/adult should know how to act in public compared to a small child who cannot grasp this concept yet seems unfair … BUT …
That is the beauty of YOU, THE PARENT – we are to guide and lead and train our children on how to act in this world while giving them all the love and freedoms allowed. But when they “overstep their bounds” and are now affecting innocent bystanders, then we as parents need to be responsible enough to remove them from the situation (leaving the store, restaurant, etc …) and deal with them, their emotions and their tantrum.
In so, we are then teaching them that their actions get them removed from the store, the restaurant, the activity, etc … they loose that privilege and that the next time you go out you might not take them.
As I stated before, I do enjoy reading your blog. Raising children is a difficult and a daily learning experience that comes with no instruction manual. But, we must as humans, need to think about how our actions (and those of our children) affect others – that is our responsibility.
Thanks you once again for your time. Deb