I had an idea of what kind of a parent I would be pre-children.

There was an image in my mind of how family life would go.  I never thought I’d be a perfect mom; I am more realistic than that.  Honestly, never in my wildest dreams did I know what being a parent would actually entail.

I still can’t believe some of the things I have done over the past six years of being a mom just to keep my sanity.  Who knew being a parent would turn me into a bit of a liar, a comedian, and an actress all at once?  It’s rather alarming the things I have to do in order to survive motherhood.

Welcome to the parenting reality.

From time to time I tell the children I can see them on “cameras” all over the house.  All lies, I know!  But in order to get them to tell me “what really happened,” this trick is most effective.  Yes, I’ve done this numerous times and yes, it actually works.  The constant fighting, blaming, whining, etc, it’s just all too much at times.  If telling the kids “I’m going to check the tapes,” helps them confess to something I had no clue about, then I’m going to keep using this lie for years to come.  No permanent harm done, right?

No one ever warned me the things I would have to do in order to get a toddler to actually poop on the potty.

This is most likely hidden from all future parents because they would just be appalled at the reality pre-kids.  Who knew getting a tiny human to use a toilet would be so difficult?  I’ve bribed with watching kid shows on the toilet.  I’ve taken actual stuffed animals, placed them on the potty so they can “do their business.”  I use, on a regular basis, the whole “want to watch your poop flush down the hole?” bribe.  I can’t even begin to think about the amount of germs that are included with this one, but if it gets the kid to poop on an actual, flush-able toilet, I’m in.  I’ve considered letting him eat lunch on the toilet, but thankfully it hasn’t come to this one yet.  I’m just holding onto that one in my back pocket for emergencies.

When our first was potty training, we might have had a travel potty that we kept in our trunk.  Gross, I know!  What were we supposed to do if she needed to pee or God forbid, poop, when we weren’t by a toilet.  NEVER would I have thought I’d turn my car into a traveling latrine.

What do I do when I need a hot minute alone?

No worries, I use our babysitter “Netflix” to save the day.  She’s super cheap with her monthly fee matching an hour of human babysitting time, and she has a way with my kids.  They actually will sit and watch her for hours on end… don’t judge!  There might have been a few movie marathons in our household and guess what?!  No one was injured or seemed to have lost too many brain cells.  I was raised on television and I’d say I turned out okay enough.  Pretty sure the daughter learned her ABCs from a kid show anyways, so I consider that a parenting win.

I find myself doing so many other things that the “pre-kids me” would not have approved of.  I yell at my kids sometimes, like actually yell.  It’s not flattering, and I’m not super proud of this, but there are times when a point needs to be made.  Kid runs into the street, yell.  When my kid screams at me for hours on end, it’s extremely hard to always stay Zen.  I’m working on this one, but I’m human and it happens.

I’m still sleep deprived over six years into motherhood, so this also doesn’t help with my mood on the long days of sassy kids.

As much as I despise winter, I also love it for the sole fact that it gets dark super early.  My kids are still young enough to think bedtime comes when the sun goes down.  The husband and I have made a pact not to ever tell the kids when their bedtime is.  They don’t need to know bedtime is at 7:30pm, because some nights I need it to be at 6pm for my sanity.  Thank you winter for helping this along.  Once elementary school teaches the daughter to tell time, I think an investment in sundials will be made.  Summer… well of course I have a love, hate relationship with it for the opposite reason.

I hide snacks from my kids, only to eat them alone in the laundry room because I told the children it wasn’t “healthy.”  Well, being a grown-up means I can decide what I want to eat and when I can eat it; so what if I have to hide like I’m doing an illegal act.  I do worry what will happen when one of my tiny humans walks in on me finishing off their Easter candy one day; it won’t be good.  I lie and tell them I LOVE eating salad or vegetables.  These lies are okay when they are done for the greater good, right?

The list of things I do just to get by is way too long to include in just one blog.  We all do things to make it through the day with kids and guess what, it’s okay.  It’s actually more than okay, it’s perfectly normal and welcomed.  I’m not perfect and if I need to do a few non-conventional things to stay sane as a mom, then that’s what I’m going to do.

Maybe someday I’ll regain my pre-kids sanity, or maybe this will just be my new reality.