We all have those friends or know people who recently got married and are already contemplating having kids.  “Babies will be so easy,”  “I’m meant to be a mom right now,” etc.

I have a great plan.  I’m going to start driving sort of an Uber for newly weds who want to rush into having kids because “babies are so cute.”  Guess what?!  Babies grow up into toddlers and kids with opinions.  Most have NO idea what they are signing up for, so I feel it my civic duty to show them what their life will soon look like once they take this plunge.

This is how I picture my Uber service going:

Yes, hop on into my crowded SUV.  Oh wait, you need to squeeze your little self between the two car seats, and feel free to move the countless kid toys, empty snacks bowls and dirty Kleenexes onto the floor so you have somewhere to sit.

A few things to help you on this ride:

– Don’t make eye contact with the toddler.  Sometimes he is okay with this, but usually this will cause him to scream “she’s looking at me” in a fit of rage.

– Don’t sing to the songs you know on the radio, the kids don’t like other people to enjoy music.  They will start crying because you are saying all the words incorrectly (according to them) of course.

– Be ready to get hit or to have objects thrown at your head at any given moment.

– Don’t even think about going to a Starbucks without getting shamed by the children.

– Expect to hear them randomly scream for places they see that they have to go into.  Of course, my answer will be no, which will cause screaming fits of rage to ensue.

– Hope to see emergency vehicles drive by with their lights on; it will be the one distraction that will make the kids smile.

If this doesn’t deter newlyweds from jumping into a family right away then maybe they are ready… I also will have found a nanny for at least 9 months so I’ll consider this entire exercise a WIN.