I remember the good old days when I could just hop in the shower, maybe sing a song or two while getting clean.  It was so relaxing back in the day, back before I had mobile children.

Showering has evolved over time.

First, when I had a newborn, showering was pretty similar to how it was pre-kids.

I could just prop up a sleeping baby in a seat in my bathroom, and know said baby would still be there when I got out.  I could take my time, and still enjoy a moment of peace.  Even if the baby was asleep in a crib, it wasn’t a big deal at all to squeeze in a quick shower.

Fast forward to showering with a toddler.

Now things changed a bit since there was a mobile tiny human in the house.  I was able to babyproof the bathroom and have a few random toys available to play with outside of the shower.  This usually did the trick of letting me still enjoy my shower.  So what if I’m showering and there is a monster truck race taking place in my bathroom?  It was perfectly fine by me as long as it meant my kid was happy, safe, and I could still bathe in peace.

Well, fast forward to showering with 2 kids in the house who are both over the age of three.

No longer are showers enjoyable unless there is another adult in the house.  There’s no perfect scenario.

First option: I shower while the kids are still sleeping.

The stress levels are still elevated but not as terrible as when it’s the option that follows.  The son is potty trained but still needs assistance climbing onto the stool and aiming actually into the toilet.  He usually wakes up about a minute into a shower, so that’s fun.  I hear the “I have pee” call and then it’s a mad rush to finish.  If I don’t get this call, I swear I hear phantom cries and screams while I’m showering.  I’ll peek my head out to listen at least three times during a five minute shower.

Second option: Shower when both kids are awake and aware I will be taking a quick shower.

Sometimes, on rare occasions, I can get them all set in front of the television and they will make it through okay.  I still hear phantom cries, but I’ve just become accustomed to it.  Usually, with my luck, the UPS man will come during this brief window and I’ll have to yell down to remind them not to open the door.

Other mornings I have them stay upstairs and play while I hop in he shower.  This is usually the worst time to do it, but what’s a mom to do?!

Today I tried this and it was a complete shit show.  Within moments of stepping into the shower, I hear actually crying.  The daughter runs in to tell me the son fell on the carpet.  I tell her to send him in, so she leaves and then returns with a sobbing three year old.  He tells me he’s okay, runs off, and then starts screaming yet again.  This time the dog got ahold of his stuffed bunny and they can’t retrieve it.  After about three updates on the dog, I finally demand the daughter to tell the boxer to “drop it.”  No joke, a minute after this I learn the son has to poop, but not to worry because the six year old tells me she can help him.  What?!  She can’t even wipe her own butt!

Oh my goodness.  Is that what my life has turned into?!  Am I a prisoner in my own home who cannot shower for five minutes without the entire world falling apart?!

I had no idea bathing would be such a process when I had kids.  Not gonna lie, I’m debating using my gym membership for showering, since at least then the kids will be in the daycare center with other adults in charge.  The problem with this is I don’t consider showering with flip flops an ideal way of living.

For now, the struggle is real.  Now you all know why I usually have my hair in a bun or I have a resting bitch face for most of the day.  Enjoy those showers while you can, someday they won’t be so easy.